I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
