Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
