Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
