I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
