I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
