The beer is more important than you right now.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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