i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
