Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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