What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize