I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
