If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
