final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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