If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Randomize
