Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
