you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
