One girl and one boy is just not enough.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
