All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
