Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
