Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I AM VODKA MAN
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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