He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
