My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
