I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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