We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
