So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
