I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
