im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
