she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
