Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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