i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I am naked and annoyed.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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