oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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