Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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