Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
