Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
