My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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