It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
