I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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