It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
