So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
