just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
