Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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