the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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