I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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