I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
