Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
