Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
