sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
