just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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