so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
