DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
