My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
