3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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