I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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