my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
