I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
