We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Someone shattered a urinal.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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