M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I can't turn off my feet"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
