his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
