Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
40s are totally the cure
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
