I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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