she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize