I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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