I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
