Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
